Red Flag or Real Connection? Understanding the Pull of Attachment in Early Romance

Falling hard and fast for someone new can feel intoxicating. There’s a rush, a spark, a sense of destiny. But all too often, what seems like instant connection is actually something more complex. It is an emotional reenactment of our earliest attachment patterns.

At Enchanted Circle, many of my clients arrive with one recurring question: “Why do I keep falling for people who aren’t good for me?” To answer that, we need to look at attachment theory, the nervous system, and the difference between real connection and red flag attraction.

Why We Fall for Red Flags: A Nervous System Perspective

When we meet someone who activates our attachment wounds, our body recognises them; not as safe, but as familiar. We might call this chemistry, but it’s often a subconscious recognition of a dynamic we’ve lived before.

In this state, the nervous system can become disregulated, swinging between highs (intense desire, idealisation) and lows (anxiety, fear of abandonment). This is especially common in people with anxious-preoccupied or disorganised attachment styles (Fraley et al., 2015).

Attachment Styles and Romantic Obsession

According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory (1988), our early bonds with caregivers shape how we relate to intimacy later in life. The key styles are:

• Secure attachment: A foundation of trust and emotional safety

• Anxious-preoccupied: Fear of rejection and craving closeness

• Dismissive-avoidant: Discomfort with dependence or vulnerability

• Disorganised: A mix of fear, craving, and emotional chaos, often rooted in trauma

Clients with anxious or disorganised styles may find themselves over-investing emotionally early on, confusing emotional volatility with connection. In these cases, lust isn’t just desire, it becomes a strategy to regulate abandonment fear, self-worth, or unresolved grief.

The Difference Between Red Flags and Real Connection

Red flags aren’t just about the other person’s behaviour, they’re also about how we feel and react in their presence.

Here’s a simple self-check-in:

🚩 Red Flag Dynamics

• Intensity without intimacy

• Fantasising about a future after one date

• Ignoring your needs to stay liked

• Feeling anxious or dysregulated when they don’t respond

• Repeating patterns that echo past hurt

🧘 Real Connection Feels Like:

• Emotional steadiness, even in silence

• Mutual effort and respect

• Slowness that feels safe, not dull

• The ability to be your full self

• Choosing the connection, without desperation

A Practice for Slowing Down

Before you text, chase, or fantasise…Pause.

Place one hand on your heart, breathe deeply, and ask:
“Is this meeting a real need… or repeating an old pattern?”

This small act of self-awareness can begin to shift everything.

Want to Go Deeper?

Try journaling around these prompts:

• Who does this person remind me of?

• What part of me is seeking healing through them?

• Am I abandoning myself to be chosen?

Remember…

There’s nothing wrong with wanting love. But love should never cost you your self-worth, your peace, or your sense of self. Healing doesn’t mean you won’t feel desire. It means you won’t mistake desire for destiny.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. London: Routledge.

• Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011). The Experiences in Close Relationships—Relationship Structures Questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23(3), 615–625.

• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.