You Are Allowed to Grieve What You Never Had

There’s a grief we don’t talk about enough: The quiet ache for the things we never had.

Not just the loss of what once was, but the absence of what should have been.
- A parent who never protected us.
- The safety we never felt.
- The affection, the guidance, the stability, the mirroring we so deeply needed and never received.

Many of us carry these unmet needs like invisible bruises or armour . And because there’s no obvious moment of loss, we often don’t give ourselves permission to grieve them.

But I’m here to remind you:
You are absolutely allowed to grieve what you didn’t have, even if no one else understands your pain.
Your grief is valid.
And your healing is real.

The Psychology of Unmet Needs and Disenfranchised Grief

What we’re speaking about here is sometimes called ‘disenfranchised grief ’ a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka to describe grief that isn't openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported.

When grief isn’t recognised; like grieving a childhood that lacked emotional nurturing, it can become suppressed or internalised. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of unworthiness (Doka, 1989; Neimeyer, 2001).

In therapeutic work, especially in trauma-informed and inner child approaches, we often work with ‘unmet attachment needs.’ According to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory (1969), secure emotional bonds in childhood are essential for healthy psychological development. When those bonds are broken, missing, or distorted, it leaves behind not just wounds but longings. Those longings don’t disappear just because we grow up. They live in the body. In our reactions. In our relationships. In the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we deserve.

Grieving what we didn’t have allows us to break those patterns. It gives us the emotional release and validation that our nervous systems have been craving for years… often decades.

Why This Reminder Matters (Even If It’s Late and I’m Tired)

This blog is five days late. And yes, I am tired. You might even see that tiredness in my eyes if you watched the reel that accompanies this reminder. But the timing doesn’t change the truth. And the fatigue doesn’t water down the medicine.

This message still matters. Perhaps more than ever.

So here it is again:

“You are allowed to grieve the things you never had, even if others don’t understand your pain. It is real, and so is your right to heal from it.” (Jode 2025)

Creating Space for Healing

In my practice at I hold space for these stories daily.

Through integrative counselling, hypnotherapy, and group spaces like Sister Circles, I witness the immense transformation that occurs when someone finally lets themselves feel what was always true.

You don’t have to stay quiet about your pain. You don’t have to minimise it. You don’t have to wait for someone else to validate it.

You get to validate it now. You get to grieve. And you get to heal.

With You on This Journey

If this blog spoke to you, you’re not alone. Whether you're exploring this with a therapist, journaling privately, or joining others in safe healing spaces, your process matters.

If you’d like to connect further, explore my upcoming offerings or 1:1 sessions at:
👉 www.enchantedcircle.co.uk

With love and validation,
Zanny Jode

References:

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

• Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books.

• Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.